thoughts of the day

Before we begin, I invite you to take a moment to enjoy the pink sunset we had yesterday. In between cloudbursts, the sun broke through as it was setting and this was the result.
Allow the tranquility of this moment to seep into your busy mind; Relax, take a breather.
Feeling nice and calm yet?
Good.
Let us begin.

I don't know if it's because the weather has suddenly improved - and by that I mean temperatures have at last reached double figures and there's a possibility they might actually stay that way for the foreseeable future - or if it is something else, but today is my third good day in a row.

By that I mean I have been able to get out of bed without a feeling of dread for what the reality of the day might bring. I was scheduled to work late both Thursday and Friday, and my boss was kind enough to suggest I come in an hour or two late on both days to make up for it. I did. I woke up after 9am on both days. I took my time getting ready, had two seats to myself and read the newspaper on the train, with sun streaming in the window to warm me up. Spring was in the air - the distinct aroma that comes from wet earth drying in warm sun, mingled with twittering and chirping of birds that have found their way home after a winter away.
I don't think that's all it is - surely it can't be that simple? - but I have been infused with a feeling of well-being that has been distinctly lacking in my demeanour for... well, a while.

As if woken from a dream, I have been working hard but happily. Today I had so much energy that I have cleaned the kitchen, scrubbed the toilet, polished the tables and looked after a sick husband, fetched my stepdaughter from her friend's house, topped up the water in the car which is leaking like a seive, done the shopping, disposed of the garbage... and all of it with a smile on my face. I have been chirpy and alert. It feels good. I hope it lasts a while because my batteries are in serious need of a recharge.

With this resurgence of energy my mind has opened up. I have been reminded of thoughts and memories outside of the whirlpool that lives inside my head. Leaving work last night, I walked past a pub I used to go to with a bunch of people from work, and some of those people were there. One of them was a guy who left about a year ago. He was my first gay friend, and on those nights when we'd all go out we would have so much fun together. I stopped to say hello but I had to leave in a hurry or miss the train... it was just so nice to see him. It was nice to see that he was as pleased to see me as I was him. I haven't gone out with those people in a very long time, but in those few moments last night a flood of good memories came back of the times I've had with them. Good times, lots of laughs... the Craic for which the Irish are famous.

And this morning I remembered the person my husband married. She was so much fun! She didn't care what she wore and was quite happy to be seen in public in a pair of ancient jeans and a non-trendy jacket. She used to love being in big crowds of people and would talk to anyone and everyone. We haven't seen her in a while, and I'd forgotten what she was like. This morning I remembered and I really hope I can hold onto that memory. Maybe, that way, she'll come back sometime. We miss her.

I've also been remembering my home. My South African home, that is. The bright blue of the sky, the warm wind that blows from inland, the smell and sound of heat and the crackle of dry grass as it breaks underfoot when there hasn't been any rain for months. Things I have tried to forget, rather than coping with the ache in my heart they cause when I remember them because I'm not there anymore and I don't know when I will be again.

I know this all sounds terribly morbid but that's not how I feel today. Today I feel good, because I do feel. Something, anything, other than numbness. It's what makes me remember I'm alive, not just existing.
I don't know why I feel different now, but I'll take what I can get and enjoy it while it lasts.