Friday, August 26, 2005

Let Down

Well the unexpected but welcome happy mood that I've been in for the last few weeks was shattered rudely this morning.
I went in to work, sat down & started doing the morning checks, as I've been doing for the past 5 weeks or so. I've been feeling good about myself because I'm slowly but surely mastering the new work that I've been doing.
And then I was reminded what it is like to feel really, really, shitty.
Let me explain.
In the entire company of over 500 employees, there is ONE person who I consider a friend. We don't confide in each other on a personal level at all, but we get along well, share a sense of humour and often gossip confidentially among ourselves about stuff that's going on in the company.
And I suppose this is why my mother warned me about gossiping.

Something I told him, confidentially AND tongue-in-cheek, has apparently been spreading as dangerously distorted fact through the entire department. And if it reaches the ears of one particular person (M), it will really hurt the only person who has really been good to me and helped me in possibly furthering my career. Of course, it reached M, who then confronted me with the distorted 'fact' and I was utterly devastated because the last thing I want to do is hurt this person. Why would I?
All this has served to do is:
a) Destroy any trust M might have in me, and
b) show me once again that trusting anyone will only lead to disappointment somewhere down the line when I am once again betrayed.

Yes, I am feeling very sorry for myself right now. I sobbed for 10 minutes in the loo, and then went for a long walk to try & get rid of the evidence of my tears. I managed to compose myself by turning the hurt into anger.
What hurts the most is that I feel I've come such a long way in becoming happier in myself, and have been feeling proud of myself for actually starting to interact with people again after... well never mind the details... but in one foul swoop some careless words have sent me plummeting back into a place where the temptation to just clam up and not say anything to anyone about anything, no matter how mundane; to just stop talking to everyone completely, is almost overwhelming.
I don't want to do that. It's not healthy.
And I am pissed off as hell about it.

Anyway, on that note, fortunately I am home now, having taken the afternoon off because we're going to visit friends in London this weekend.
So have a good weekend people.
I hope your day is going better than mine.


DelBoy said...

I'm sure we can cheer you up this weekend by winning the rugby and enjoying the Carnival!!

Underachiever said...


Sorry my friend. I know how you feel though. Been there done that. It sucks. A friend told me once, you are a slave of your own words.

But don't worry this will pass and life will go on.


PS hope you have fun this weekend.

BUDDESS said...

Don't be so hard on yourself. If you retreat back into your shell, you let that stupid busybody win!!! Well, the Bokke didn't win, but I am sure you had a good weekend anyway.

ps only elephants have good memories...

Terri said...

Thanks guys. I'm dreading going to work tomorrow but there's nothing to do except chin up & face it. Hiding under the blankets for a month is not really an option.

Del thanks for a great evening on Friday night; it was loads of fun & we'll have to return the favour soon.
Undr, life will indeed go on. And I had lots of fun this weekend!
Buddess even though the Bokke didn't win it was an Awesome game, I'm sure you'll agree!

LiVEwiRe said...

Did I write this? It sounds like I wrote this... same tendencies, same patterns... hmmm.

No words of wisdom just truth: people are idiots and tend to disappoint. Sorry one of the aforementioned idiots felt the need to demonstrate that for you.

Glad you had some time away. Perhaps you and the other person can talk when you return. My best to you.

That makes me mad. People just piss me right off every chance they get...

kyknoord said...

Sorry to hear that. This is why pessimism is often useful from a purely pragmatic point of view. One is seldom disappointed.

ChittyChittyBangBang! said...

Screw the idiot who betrayed your confidence - now you have one less arsehole to worry about!!
As for M... set the record straight. No apolgies, no guilt, no grovelling... just tell it like it is. Not for his/her sake, but for yours.

Terri said...

Good to see you LiVEwiRE - your timing couldn't have been better.
KN I'm glad to see my cynical outlook is shared by someone.
Chitty I did have a brief chat with M this morning & actually he apologised to me for springing it on me like that... as he admitted the subject of contention is currently everyone's favourite topic of conversation.

So you'll all be glad to hear I'm feeling slightly better, but have still been very quiet as I'm still not sure who I can trust here. Hopefully time will sort it out though.

Thanks for your support, guys!