Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Terri's Tantrum Technique

First, ensure that you have a very long, very boring day at work, peppered only with annoying little problems - you know, the kind that don't ever really go away, but sink to the bottom of your in-tray only to resurface months later to haunt you. This should be followed by a drive home in traffic piloted by mostly blind or stupid people. A beat-up Mitsubishi filled with bright-yellow-jacketed Lithuanian construction workers wolf-whistling at you when stopped at an intersection is optional.
When you finally get home, take a few minutes to map out a plan in your head of things you need to do in the remaining few hours before bedtime. Remember to leave little room for flexibility.
This next part is a vital: Ensure that you have at least one hour set aside to begin compiling a Very Long Document, one that you have been putting off until now due to lack of free time. At the moment when you decide to begin, change your mind and quickly put a load of laundry in the washing machine. Return to the table where said document is to be prepared and realise that in order to hang up the clean washing when it is ready, you will need to first clear the wash stand by folding the previous load. Once the clean laundry is folded you will need to take it upstairs in order to clear a space on the table so that you can start on The Document.
Return to the table, take your laptop out of its case, plug it in and switch it on.
Make another trip upstairs to retrieve some information required in the document.
Begin to read instructions on how to compose your document.
One and a half pages in, have a member of your family waft into the kitchen-cum-dining area where you are working and start chatting conversationally. Encourage them subliminally to leave by looking back to your computer screen at regular intervals while they are talking.
Resume work on the document. It will help to do the work using MS Word, with it's clever little "auto-formatting" feature that will ensure you end up with many tabs and bullet-points exactly where you don't want them.
Just when you think you're getting the hang of it, insert another member of you family into the mix, pointedly hanging around the stove area where supper is not yet cooking.
It should be mentioned here that a little bit of PMS couldn't hurt...
This should be about the time when your patience reaches its limit. Bang the keys of your keyboard to shut your laptop off and stomp into the kitchen. Open a cupboard to remove a pot. Realise that nobody has yet unpacked the dishwasher from the night before so begin that process yourself, delaying supper even further. You may find your family member has fled the scene. Remove the cutlery tray from the dishwasher and place it on the counter. Try and remove the teaspoons from those silly little compartments in the cutlery tray only to have the friggin' things get stuck.
Voila! The moment for your tantrum has arrived. Yank blindly at the teaspoons, forks and knives in a manner that sends them spinning all over the kitchen just at the moment when your other half walks into the kitchen asking, "Is everything OK?"

What you do next is up to you. Just remember, murder cases can be time consuming. Personally, I find it is a good idea to step outside and have a cigarette, leaving the offending cutlery and crockery in safer hands.

Note to self: I must remember to check behind the microwave tonight for that missing spoon....

16 comments:

laurie said...

ha! you've been peeking in my windows! (except for the cigarette.)

this line, in particular, made me laugh: This should be followed by a drive home in traffic piloted by mostly blind or stupid people.

kyknoord said...

It's like the man doesn't know you at all. "Is everything OK?" I ask you!

Terri said...

Laurie - Indeed, sometimes I wonder how some people passed their driving tests (because as you know I'm a brilliant driver myself and would never make a mistake or anything, teehee)

Kyknoord - To be fair, I think that may have been man-speak for "Please don't break everything in the kitchen, dear..." Hindsight is great, innit?!

beadinggalinMS said...

You have the blind or stupid people and I have the just down right plain idiot drivers here.

Your day sounds like the days I have been having with my computer. Days like that is when it is time to skip the cooking and putting up dishes and folding laundry and order take out!!

angel said...

oh tantrums can be such fun!

Angelina said...

It's always reassuring to know that I'm not the only adult throwing those kinds of tantrums! I've gotten better though, in that I haven't broken anything in a while during my tantrum-throwing episodes.

chitty said...

Thank God you did not kill the laptop!
The only thing that calms me down and clears my mind... taking a good long run.

Lex said...

How do you know they were Lithuanian workers?

Terri said...

beads - mmmm... sweet & sour chicken balls from the local chinese take-out... mmmm...

angel - for the tantrum-thrower, maybe - not so much for anyone else who happens to be around at the time, eh?

angelina - I'm very proud of you.
I bet you're dying to smash a plate, though ;)

chitty - sounds like a good, healthy way to deal with things. I bet if you took a poll of women most of them would say throwing knives is much more effective.

lex - they each had tiny lithuanian flags etched into their front teeth... WiseAss!! Have ye not heard of poetic license?!

DelBoy said...

You know what Cuz, I can actually visualise you in the kitchen going redder and redder and then all the cutlery flying everywhere!!

Glad I wasn't around to witness it.

:-/

Spookie the Warrior said...

Ok, so this means theres a tantrum or a tearful meltdowm waiting for me at home tonight...

Terri said...

Delboy - Feel free to laugh at your mad cousin... from a safe distance ;)

Spookie - Oh dear, have I created a tantrum-monster?!

Jo said...

Damn, I wish I could just throw a total out of control tantrum but nooooo I always have to do it in a calmly fashion. That sort of defeats the object. How bout publishing a how-to-throw-a-full-blown-vein-popping-tantrum manual for me????

LiVEwiRe said...

The words PMS and cutlery in the same sentence ... well, that just scary! Hoping you're nice and calm now!

Lori said...

I love breaking plates.

I went and took my drivers test a few weeks ago and I killed one little orange cone and they failed me right then and there.

Sweet and sour chicken balls sound yummy.

Terri said...

Jo - Really? You don't know how to throw a tantrum? I'll give you lessons when I'm there in July, OK?

LiVEwIre - hehe, yes I can see how that might conjure up scary images. Much calmer now, thanks.

Lori - Ah yes the satisfying sound of shattering china... :-)
One cone? They couldn't give ya just one cone? pfft!