Thursday, August 16, 2007

sometimes

Sometimes I just need someone to tell me it's OK, that I am good at my job, that I am good enough, that something terrible isn't going to happen just because things are going well at the moment...

It's like this, you see:
I was really glad to be back after our holiday. I was happy to be in my own house again, and to be back into routine. And then I started having weird dreams. I'd dream about my step-son who is still in SA. I dreamt I was dying of cancer. I dreamt someone stabbed me to death. I dreamt about my grandmother. And I was convinced something bad was going to happen.

Something bad did, in fact - the father of an ex-boyfriend passed away last Friday. I was really sad to hear about this. I met his son when I was only 15 and we dated for over a year. I spent loads of time at their house and went away on holiday with the family. When my boyfriend was drafted into the army, his parents took me with them to visit him on "Parents' Weekend" at the end of his basic training. This man was one of the nicest I've ever known. Growing up without a father, I used to feel very uncomfortable around my friends' fathers. I didn't really know what they were about. But I never felt uncomfortable around Bob and he will have left a hole in the world. It is probably years since I saw him but I mourn him a little nonetheless.

And the sane part of me is telling the crazy part of me not to read anything into my weird dreams.

Actually I think most of my angst is work-related. We have a Contractor in at work as our little team is a man down at the moment and until someone is hired permanently we have a string of highly experienced and knowledgeable DBA's filling the seat next to mine.
All this does is make me realise how limited my own knowledge and experience are.
Bah humbug - just when I thought I was doing well..!

And on a completely unrelated topic, last night I forewent (Is there such a word? Past tense of "forego"?) watching a movie with Hubby in favour of sitting down for some uninterrupted and dedicated blogging. Well, blog-reading to be more accurate. It was fun. Lots of fun. You guys are quite entertaining, y'know that? I kept getting dirty looks from Hubby 'cos at one point I was laughing so hard the tears were rolling down my cheeks, during what appeared to be a Very Serious Moment in the movie.
Oops ;-)
I haven't had a couple of hours to read blogs in ages and it reminded me why I do this thing.

So thanks, all of you.

8 comments:

buddess said...

You see, now that is why I am so happy that I don't often remember my dreams. I am feeling the same about my knowledge or lack of thereof right now. Can you believe that I can't get a customer's invoices to print in the correct freeking font??????

laurie said...

ah, it's nice to have you back, terri! i've missed your comments on my blogs.

i know those dreams well. i don't know where they come from--some anxiety that i'm often not even aware of.

i think you're doing just fine.

Ben O. said...

You're an excellent writer and a pretty darn good photographer as well.

How's that?

Ben O.

Terri said...

Buddess - It's that sort of annoying problem that gets to us, eh?! Oh well... at least we know we can sing, LOL!

Laurie - Thx... I really missed reading your blogs :)
I think it's that unidentified anxiety that freaks me out; I'm in a tizz but I don't know why. This is normally when Hubby gently pats me on the head and says, "It's OK, m'luv, it's OK.." in a way that lets me know he thinks I'm a tad insane but he loves me anyway, hehehe!

Ben O - Thanks, Buddy, that's just what I needed to hear :-)

anne said...

Eggnog before sleep time, and a shot of something strong before work would solve the anxiety issue. Just sayin'.

Jeff said...

When you get your pair of JNEP Writing Awards in the mail, put one up at home and the other up at work, and your troubles will be a thing of the past! :)

angel said...

i just love blog reading.
i'm sorry you're having some shitty dreams, i think i go through phases like that sometimes. i seldom remember my dreams as is, but once i a while i have a series of really strange ones.

Terri said...

Anne - Aah, it's good to have you back :)

Jeff - I'll be checking my mailbox!

Angel - Ja, the LSD probably doesn't help.