you may want to get some kleenex...

I have a friend, a very close friend. Our parents were mates from before we were born and so we've been playing together since I was maybe two years old, when we moved from my hometown of Port Elizabeth to what was then the Transvaal. Her family was there already and although we lived in different towns we would get together as families regularly throughout my childhood. If memory serves, it would start as a lunchtime Braai that would last the whole day and result in a sleepover, no doubt due to the amount of Lagers consumed by the adults. As a kid I was oblivious to the why's and wherefore's, though. It was just fun to stay over and spend time playing.

After my father passed away - I was 7 - we moved away, back to Port Elizabeth. And that was when I first got into letter-writing. Thirty-four years later, my friend and I are as close as ever, though the letter-writing has been replaced by email and SMS. Even though we have never lived in the same town (except for 2 months when I was 23 when we lived in the same house, never mind city), my friend and I have been through everything together. First kisses (..etc), heartbreaks, fears, marriages, divorces, births... mostly through letter and telephone.

We are so different from each other. I was always the shy one, a follower, cautious. She was always larger than life, brash, unafraid. I think she likes that I make her laugh. I love that she takes no shit from anyone. It's an odd mix, but it works. We may not be blood relatives but she is as much a sister to me as those I share parents with.

This past week my dear friend's husband passed away suddenly. And every time I think about it I cry because I'm not there with her, my friend, who holds a very dear part of my heart in hers. My heart is breaking because hers is, I feel her loss almost as my own.
I very nearly made the 12-hour flight to be with her, but after calming down and thinking about it I changed my mind. Her parents are with her and if I think about it practically, she probably doesn't need too many people around her now. I would imagine she needs time to absorb what has happened and adjust her life accordingly. In a little while, once the shock has passed, I will think again about making the trip... in fact I think I've already decided I will, because I know that a time will come where perhaps I will be able to do more for her by being there than I would right now. I could hear in her voice on the phone that she appreciated just hearing my voice. We sat in silence for a few minutes on the phone the day it happened, there was nothing to say, I just wanted to be there with her.

You know, I became aware during my period of getting my head right a while back that I have a tendency to make other peoples' problems my own; that when someone I love is in trouble I take it into myself as if it were happening to me. This is not a good thing to do and I have learned to distance myself, to do what I can if I can and then let it go. It's a much healthier way of living and I think I have made this change of mindset rather well. The point is I can see where some might think I am taking this bereavement personally... and I do feel bereaved;
Although I didn't know her husband all that well, it was still a shock.
But I don't think my heartache is because I am taking someone else's pain personally. I don't think I am going through this as she is. And I don't think the pain I am feeling is because what has happened to my friend is the very thing I fear most in life.

What I do see, with unusual clarity, is that the loss I am feeling is my own. It is the fact that I feel an almost primal instinct to be with my friend but I'm so far away that I can't be, not from a practical point of view... it's everything I feel about being away from my homeland all gathered into one single identifiable point. Having it all spread out like it normally is, is manageable; the odd moment of homesickness, or missing my mom, a my friend, or a sister; the occasional feeling of anxiety - what if something happens to someone and I'm not there? But this, this thing that has happened, this monstrous tragedy has brought it all into one single lump of grief in my heart that is terribly hard to bear.

She will be OK, this friend of mine. She is strong and has been through enough in this life to be able to pick up the pieces and carry on. I know this because of what she said to me a couple of days ago, that at least she got to have a few years with him, a few years where he made her happy.
I only wish that she'd had a few more...

+ Rest in Peace, Andy +

The Year That Was

So here we are, only 5 days 'till Christmas and then poof! It'll be a whole new year again.

We're hosting Christmas at our house again this year, just with a different set of guests. Our very good friends were with us last year, but since then they have left Ireland and gone back to South Africa, having added the pitter-patter of tiny feet (and the occasional 2am howl) to their little family. So they won't be joining us.

Instead, Hubby's sister and her family have moved from South Africa to Ireland and they'll be driving up to spend a few days with us. My li'l sister will also be over, from London. It'll be good to have family around. It'll be a full house all right, but everyone will have a spot to sleep - I'm really glad we had our attic converted!

With all these guests arriving, there is a ton to be done this weekend, and I don't see much blog-time for myself. So I thought I'd do the reflecting-on-the-year-that-was bit now.

It seems to have been a year of reconnecting with the past.
I took a trip back home to South Africa, only to discover that it doesn't feel so much like home anymore. It's not the place I left 6 years ago, and it's definitely not the same place as the one where I grew up. That place is gone for good, I fear. As heartbreaking as it was to realise this, it was actually a good thing. I think what I got out of that trip was what the experts (?!) call Closure. And it turns out I'm OK with that.

My past caught up with me in another way, too.
In the first quarter of this year, a received a phone call from an old friend: someone I hadn't seen or spoken with in something like twelve years. She'd bumped into my sister in SA - both of them were there on holiday, from London! So she got my number and called me up to say hello. It was fantastic! Unfortunately I lived up to my old habit of leaving things till the last minute, and when I finally got around to phoning her back, she'd left London and headed off to parts unknown and now I've lost her again. Something tells me our paths will cross again, though, sometime in the future.

What's bizarre, though, is that this happened again a few weeks ago. One of my best friends from high school called me up out of the blue. I think the last time we spoke was at our high school reunion, 8 years ago. She, too, is living in the UK. This time I was smarter, and I now have phone numbers AND an email address for her.

I was simply astounded at how easy it was to slip back into conversation with these women, after all the time that had passed. I guess it's true - the friendships you make in your teens are the ones that are there for life.

There was another thing, too.
I had to trawl back through my archives to check this out: 7 months ago, in May, I wrote a post about a dream I'd had about a guy who'd been a good friend of mine throughout primary and high school. At the time I wondered about trying to get in touch with him but decided against it, as the lengths I would have to go to would have bordered on stalker-ish. But today I was reading the local newspaper from my home town, online (I do this occasionally), and I happened upon an announcement in the Classifieds, congratulating him and his wife (I presume) on the birth of their daughter. And in the announcement was his email address. Well I couldn't really not, could I? So I emailed him today, just to say congrats, and Hi. I figured I enjoyed my 'blasts from the past' so maybe he would, too. He's in a way different time zone though, so I have yet to hear back from him. Or not. Either way, that's OK.

And then there is the dreaded F-word.
Facebook. (You thought I was going to say something else, didn't ya?! HAH!)
Talk about reunions! Y'know, it turns out there are some people I actually don't mind finding me. In fact, I've found one or two myself.
More old friendships rekindled - across continents and after years and years.
So we send each other virtual hugs or fling chocolate cakes (or sheep, etc) at each other.
I'm still not completely enamored with Facebook but it is nice to know that people are thinking of me occasionally. Makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.
You know - to counteract the spitting irritation I feel the rest of the time 'cos there's too much stuff on it that I don't know what to do with.

But I digress.

There's more on this Old Friends theme.
In October, we had a visit from my ex-boss from SA. He and his wife also happen to be old biking buddies of ours from way back when. They were only over for a few days but it was fabulous to see them... plus, it was a good excuse for me to get to eat out at my favourite Greek restaurant.

And finally, a few weekends ago, we had visitors over from Holland. He and Hubby go way, way back - they left SA just before we did. We stopped in to visit them on our trip around Europe last year, and now it was their turn to visit us. We had a blast - went off to watch the SA / Wales game in a pub in town, a drinking session that lasted way longer than it should have but we were having too much fun to care!

So what is the moral of all this rambling?
There isn't one.
If you were looking for deep and meaningful, you've come to the wrong place.
ahahahahaha!

ahem

Well OK then...
I've had some ups and downs, and even seen a bit more of the world this year (remember Barcelona and Paris?) Most of all, though, I have come to appreciate just how much family and friends mean to me.
And that includes all of you guys.

Merry Christmas, everyone!

old friends revisited

Last night I dreamt about an old friend. He was one of my best friends in Primary school and the other kids used to tease us about being boyfriend and girlfriend, which really annoyed us but we didn't stop being friends. We went to the same high school, too, and although we weren't as close any more, he always held a special place in my heart. Like a brother, sort of, only not.

We lost touch after leaving school and I think the last time I saw him was in a pub when I was around 20 or 21. Wow, that's a while back, but never mind.
He was completely wasted that night and I actually got cross with him - wanted to shake him and say, "Pull yourself together!" - he was pining over losing his girlfriend, you see. I had always thought he had so much potential - he was really bright and in fact we had often vied for the spot at the top of the class when we were kids. And he came from a good family, and he had been a good friend over the years. That night I felt disappointed in him*.

I haven't heard from or about him in years, and although he has popped into my thoughts once or twice, it has been a fleeting, "I wonder what ever happened to B.." sort of thought.
But last night I dreamt about him - we bumped into each other somewhere and he was in trouble but he wasn't a 'baddie' - more like wrongly accused, or something. In my dream I was well acquainted with his accusers and I persuaded them to give him a chance. We rekindled our friendship and all was well. It was weird: I saw him so clearly in my dream and it was one of those dreams that leaves you with a feeling, the way people are closely associated with feelings in dreams... so when I arrived at work this morning I typed his name into Google and hit Enter.

My efforts were rewarded** and I got a few hits - it seems my friend has done well for himself. He has loads of fancy letters after his name and is listed as a guest speaker at some awfully prestigious-sounding events. I guess he pulled himself together. And if there were a chance these references were to another person of the same name, any doubts were soon removed because one of the hits included a photograph of him taken about 3 years ago, in a professional capacity. It may be a small photograph but it is unmistakably my friend who visited me in my dream last night. The resemblance was uncanny, especially since I haven't seen him in about, oh, I don't know, 15 years or so?!

I don't know what brought him out of my subconscious or my memories or whatever makes one dream but somehow I feel better knowing where he is (in what country, anyway) and that he has done well for himself.

I was almost tempted to send him an email (it really is amazing what information you can find in a simple web search) ... You know; "Hi this is Terri. I don't know if you remember me from a lifetime ago but I had a dream about you last night and found your details through the internet..."
Ahem. Maybe not. It could sound just a little stalker-like, teehee!
Who knows, though, perhaps one day our paths will cross again.


* Yes, I know, I set very high standards for people - I like to think I have become less judgemental of people as I've grown older.
** It's like I keep saying: Google is my friend :-)

Thinking bloggers

WOO HOO! I WON SOMETHING!!!
In a manner of speaking.
What can I say? I'm thrilled that the deeply ponderous and deliciously wicked Chitty considers me one who thinks.
ahahaha my Ma would be proud :-D

What am I on about? The Thinking Blogger award. For me. You can read all about its origins here - it's not very long and is quite easy to read so really, take a look.

And having a somewhat compulsive nature I cannot pass up a tag. So now the trick is to tell you about 5 blogs that I find thought-provoking.

I'm also obliged to include the rules, so here they are:

1. If, and only if, you get tagged, write a post with links to 5 blogs that tickle your grey matter,
2. Link to this post so that people can easily find the exact origin of the meme,
3. Optional: Proudly display the 'Thinking Blogger Award' with a link to the post that you wrote (here is an alternative silver version if gold doesn't fit your blog).

Now onto the meat of the matter...

1. The Clarity of Night - This is where I go to find a bit of peace in the world. He may be a lawyer by trade but if you ask me, he missed his calling. An immensely talented writer, his words, often combined with photographs, soothe the soul... or make your hair stand on end, depending on the subject, mood and genre of his current post / vignette / series. In between the fiction he also manages to occasionally run short fiction contests; and it would be remiss of me not to mention the poignant posts focussed around his fascination with old and beautiful gravestones.

2. Reluctant Nomad - You just never know what to expect from this blog. An informative post on quantum physics or a laugh-out-loud re-telling of a night in the life of a gay South African in England or, since his latest move, Amsterdam. Reluctant Nomad not only entertains, but he also does a lot of the thinking for us, always a bonus, in my opinion.

3. Angel's Mind - Angel is a single mother in South Africa whose teenage son has ADD. Her blog is a mix of normal everyday working mom stuff and passionate, heart-felt musings about life as a single mother, things that have been or will be, and life in general. And then there are the short stories about dragons...

4. Dawn Unplugged - Now I know this is the second tag in a row for Dawn but she really deserves this award. Yet another South African ex-pat, she lives in the USA with her husband and children. Sometimes her thinking posts are SO much deeper than I am, that no matter what comment I leave, it sounds trivial, yet I can't help returning because the warmth of her personality transcends the cables and static that is the Internet.

5. OK I'm going to cheat here and not do a 5th one. I read a handful of blogs - OK, maybe 2 or 3 handfulls (handsfull?) - regularly for various reasons and each of them gives me something, be it emotional support, entertainment, or deep thinking stuff. [Is it even possible that someone who uses the term "deep thinking stuff" was awarded The Thinking Blogger Award???]
So choosing a 5th is just not working for me now - sorry!

...

Wow, will ya look at that? I broke the rules. Maybe I can think for myself after all... or maybe the OCD is wearing off at last hahahahaha!

New Babe on the Blog

Well and here's me been fretting about planning holidays and meanwhile my friend BeadinggalinMS went and had a baby girl yesterday!!!

It's been long, tough months for my friend and I'm just so happy Baby is here and both Mama and Baby are doing well.

CONGRATULATIONS LINDA!!!

And special thanks to Aunty Lori for keeping us updated when Beads couldn't get to blog herself - I trust you'll put that new camera to good use for us sometime soon ;)

~