Monday, December 17, 2007

The loop-de-loop

You know that feeling when your tummy does a flip-flop, like when you're passenger in a car and you're not paying attention and suddenly the car goes through a dip and it feels like your stomach got left behind? Well I feel like that's been happening to me, only it's not really my stomach but something less physical and more emotional, but in more or less the same place in my body. I'll be quite happily going along, doing my thing, living my day and all of a sudden I'll get one of these moments, where it feels like I'm on a roller-coaster and if I carry on going my emotions are going to dive, dive, dive submarine-style into the murky depths... at times like these my loved ones are my salvation. I will stop typing whatever command I'm busy with at my computer, pick up the phone and ring Hubby just to hear a voice and gather some sense of normalcy. Or I'll write a 2-line nonsensical email to my mom, or a friend, or a sister.
You see the last few months have been tough going, again. If I'm honest, I never really recovered 100% from my last extended period of depression - I had short stints of normalcy but I think it takes a long time to get past it completely and I feel like it's still so fresh in my mind that it doesn't take much to send me back there, and then it's such a hard fight to come back again. I'm back at the moment, for the most part. That is, I have a handle on things and am able to keep the niggling shadows at bay. Today I went to lunch with a large group of people from work and found myself sitting with two women I don't know except to nod hello at in passing, since we work in the same department. And I made it all the way through, making conversation and being a veritable social butterfly. I'm a tad exhausted now, but I feel a sense of accomplishment, although I'm not sure exactly when being sociable became such hard work.
I can't help but wonder will there ever be a time when being normal1 will be the natural order of things again - or will I be fighting like this for the rest of my life..? I don't want to be on the rollercoaster anymore, I just want to live, and enjoy life. These pesky emotions are becoming a real pain in the ass, I tellya.
I suppose it's that time of year. 'Tis the season and all that - there's excitement in the buildup to the holidays but also sadness as we miss absent friends and family.
I mean, I know emotions are what make us human and all, but wouldn't it be nice if we could just take a break from them, occasionally?

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1 Yeah, yeah, I know - It's a relative term..!

9 comments:

It is the question said...

Hey hang in there.

For me, the beginning of the way out is wanting to feel better instead of believing I have good reason to feel sad.

So if you're at all like me, perhaps you're on your way out.

Good luck.

IITQ

Katt said...

Hey Terri!

It would be lovely to flip the off switch from time to time!

I'm back in SA as you know and... urgh!

I'll hang in there and fake happy if you do too.

DelBoy said...

Hey Cuz. Like IITQ says, its about believing that you want to feel better.

You probably need some nice sunny weather too, instead of the Irish winter!

laurie said...

cold, dark, rain, forced gaiety, impossible to meet expectation.... it's definitely this time of year. i hope you feel less roller-coastery soon. i know how unsettling that is. but for what it's worth, it sounds like you're handling it very well.

Vaughan said...

Hi Terri

I also go through these cycles, although I'm probably lucky in that it is not that deep depression that some people go through.

It's not fun, but what gets me through is knowing that it is a cycle, and that things will get better.

I try and explore my creative side when I am in these "moods", and generally I produce some of my better work that way.

Seize the depression, and if possible, turn it into something positive. You have a great talent with your photography - make the depression work for you, and that way you won't feel as bad about it.

This time of year is a killer when it comes to depression. It's not called suicide season for nothing.

Hang in there, and know that there are others going through the same emotions, and there are also those caring deeply for you.

Good luck. (I'll spare a thought for you when I go though my Xmas depression cycle, which almost always hits on Xmas morning)

Vaughan
P.E.

Anonymous said...

The fact that you are able to air your feelings and emotions in your blog is a great start in sorting things out.By spreading the load between family and friends you lighten the life basket. It can get very heavy at times.Just remember we all carry the basket and you are not alone.The life basket is only heavy because we put to much unnecessary things in it that we do not need.It sounds as though you are blessed with a loving Hubby,family and friends.Fill the basket with their love and you will be OK.

angel said...

ugh, i hate that feeling... i've also been having it lately and i have ye to work out why!
normal is indeed relative, and working through things slowly is the way to to it girl!

Ben O. said...

Emotions are strange that way, huh?

It's like - you can't unknow what you already know.

Ben O.

Terri said...

IITQ - I think I am on my way out. It feels that way. So yes, I think I'll hang in there :)

Katt - Perhaps if we fake it long enough it'll become real?

Del - You're right about the weather. I rode to work in sunshine yesterday and was in a positively good mood for most of the day. Well, tomorrow is the shortest day so we're on the up-and-up again.

Laurie - Thanks, I'm doing okay for the most part. There's stuff to look forward to, which always helps too.

Vaughan - Thanks mate :-) I must admit one of the most worrying things for me lately has been the fact that I haven't been able to get creative. I've had no inclination to write, or take photos... although it seems that's slowly changing again at last. Baby steps and all that.

Anon - The blog does help quite a lot. I kept a diary for years, as an outlet. This place is much like keeping a diary, with the added bonus that it talks back to me!!!

Angel - Yeah, you know all about the funk, I know. And normal is overrated, anyway ;-)

Ben O - I dunno so much about that. The older I get, the less I seem to know...!