Showing posts with label coping. Show all posts
Showing posts with label coping. Show all posts

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Holiday snaps

Hello all! (All being the 3 of you who still read this blog. You're still there, aren't you?)

Well we're about half way through our holiday and having a ball but man, being on holiday can be tiring. I've done more socialising in the last week than I have in the last 6 months.
And I caught a cold. But that's OK, I'm surviving and it's great to be home.

The weather is great - as expected, warmer here in mid-Winter than Dublin is at the moment where it is mid-Summer. Our neighbours, who are travelling with us, can't quite get over it.

We spent the first 3 days in Cape Town and an old friend of ours was kind enough to play tour guide and show us around the place. He even stopped regularly so I could take photographs, although the temptation to disrupt my photography almost got the better of him outside the Brass Bell in Kalk Bay...



We hired a car and drove from Cape Town to Port Elizabeth, breaking the trip into 2 days so as not to overwhelm our Irish friends too much with the vastness of our beautiful country.


I was glad we decided on this. Normally Hubby would be in such a rush to get the 800km drive over with that there's no way he would have stopped for me to take arbitrary pictures such as this one...


But he did, so I could, and you lucky things are the beneficiaries.

Well since getting to Port Elizabeth we have been on the go non-stop. There are so many things going on I am not even going to scratch the surface of them now. To be honest I am sort of on auto-pilot right now, hence the fluffy photo post. It's about all I can manage but I sort of needed to do something to take myself away from reality for a few minutes. I'd forgotten how draining it can be to come home, sometimes.

We're going to see some lions tomorrow (hopefully) and this weekend we're heading off to a game farm where the lads will do some hunting and we gals will probably do a lot of book reading and nail painting. Aaah, some rest, at last...

:-)


Monday, June 08, 2009

Little Grey Meltdown

What exactly are the symptoms of a mental breakdown? How does a person know they're having one?
Or 'burnout' for that matter... are they the same thing?
I look around me at all the people going about their daily lives without problem or issue or interruption, mundane smiles and normal expressions on their faces and I wonder, "How the hell do they do it?"
Here I sit, at my desk, the only thing keeping me from falling apart completely are the earphones playing the beautiful music of Rob Thomas in my head. Or the sassy tones of Daniel Powter. Giving vent to my expressive side. Because heaven forbid I should express myself at work - that is Simply Not Acceptable.
The Little Grey People, you see, among whose millions of numbers I am counted as one, are not allowed to be expressive. We sit at our desks, shuffle papers (or, as in my case, tap on keyboards) and smile benignly at one another, then go home to our standard-design houses in sprawling estates and do what all the other Little Grey People do, week in and week out.
I'm afraid I don't think I can do this anymore, though. I'm afraid that if I live the life of a Little Grey Person for much longer my head may just explode and that would just be terribly, terribly messy.
Luckily for all concerned, I am about to go on holiday. "Again?!" I hear you ask. Yes, again. Hubby and I are going back to South Africa for 2 1/2 weeks, and this time our friends / neighbours are coming with us. (This one of those ideas... born in a bottle of wine while watching the home movies we've been transferring from video tape to DVD... They wanted to see what our homeland looks like, the next thing you know we're booking flights!)
So anyway, yes, another holiday. And not a moment too soon.

It doesn't sound like the life of a Little Grey Person, does it? Then again, how often do I update this blog? Only every time I have something interesting to share. In fact most of the time I fudge it, in fact. Sorry about that. I'm hoping that will change shortly though.
Watch this space.

Saturday, February 28, 2009

The cavemanperson in me is alive and well

A good friend of mine is due to give birth within the next few weeks and I have become aware of a very strong need to be with her around about the time the baby comes. It's not the first time I have felt this way since moving away - it happened when my niece was born, in Cape Town, as well as when two of my other friends had their babies, also in South Africa, while I was over here in Ireland.
And this one is even further away, in New Zealand.

Don't get me wrong, I pretty much always miss my friends. I think we make the strongest friendships in our younger years and these are the people I'm talking about; the ones with whom we have grown from girls into women. We have seen each other through falling in love and heartbreak, through marriages, births, divorces and the deaths of loved ones.

It is in these milestone times that women draw strength and support from each other as much as sharing happiness. The term "I'm happy for you" isn't just a pleasantry, we feel genuine joy when a friend finds true happiness.

Childbirth, however, is a time when I feel a much stronger pull than simply missing my friend. It is an instinct, almost primal, to gather around her, make tea, boil water (for the tea, perhaps?)... whatever, just make sure mum and baby are nurtured.
(And husbands, too, I suppose, although they should be well able to feed themselves if they have reached a point where they feel they are able to become fathers!)
But, no offense, this is about a woman and her new offspring.

Perhaps it stems from centuries ago, when communities lived in closer quarters, when men went out hunting for ages at a time and women were left to take care of... pretty much everything else, really. In fact I have a very clear picture in my mind of me, with my closest friends, my mother and my sisters, all hovering around a woman with her newborn child, in our cave wearing clothes made from animal skins, cooking meals over an open fire. It seems to fit in with how I am feeling now.

Unfortunately, I will have to make do with emails and phone calls and digital photographs and SMS messages again. It's a poor substitute, but then again, it's better than nothing, and I know that my friend knows I am with her in spirit.

Say, I am kind of liking that picture of being a cave-dweller; civilization is sooo overrated sometimes!

Saturday, June 28, 2008

So this is how it is for people who don't blog?

Helloooo....?
Is anyone still there.....?

It's finally happened. Real life has taken all my attention and I've almost forgotten how to blog. I'm tired of stressing about my lack of writing and blogging time and given in.
I'm here now, and that's gotta count for something, right?

So what, you may ask, has been keeping me so very busy that I've deserted my cyberfriends?

Well my bestest shopping buddy in the world came to visit a few weekends back and we shopped for 3 days solid (or was it 4? Felt like 4!). And we went to the movies and saw the ultimate chick flick: Sex in the City. And it was great!

Last weekend Hubby's sister & her brood came up and we adults went to go see Eric Clapton at Malahide Castle.
I've never been a huge Clapton fan, but Hubby really wanted to go so I bought some gumboots and went along for the ride.
... the gumboots? Oh, that's because it was p*ssing with rain. Again. Still. Eric even thanked us for not, y'know, leaving.
Anyway, I really enjoyed the concert. It wasn't one of those scream-and-shout-and-throw-your-undies-on-the-stage sort of concerts or anything; the music was just really good - high praise considering I had never heard most of it before. Except for Layla, of course. And we only got half of that 'cos the power went out. (Probably short-circuited something in the rain!)
Yep, I really enjoyed it.

This weekend I've been studying and will continue to do so - I have an exam scheduled for the 14th and I figured it was time I actually opened a book. I should be studying now but it's late and I need a break. It is weekend, after all, and I've been working really hard lately, at work. You may have noticed this in the lack of blogging I've been doing.

It's been an emotional couple of weeks, too. The one and only person I could actually call Friend at work has left the company... and the country, for that matter. We had a great old Leaving Drinks evening for her, which was fun. And then she left, and I was quite sad about the whole thing. Then again, email makes the world a smaller place and we're still in touch so it's not all bad.

What is all bad is that one of our mates here in Ireland passed away last week. We went to the Removal on Monday evening, followed by drinks till very late that night (was that the Wake? We're a little hazy on the intricacies of dying in Ireland - it seems very complicated!) and then the funeral on Tuesday morning.
That was just so, so sad. He was one of the most fun-loving people I ever met and his laugh is unforgettable. The church was packed to overflowing - there were literally people standing outside during the Mass. When it was finished, and they started to carry the coffin out, the singer sang "Fly me to the moon..." It was the saddest moment in a very long time and I'm not afraid to say I sobbed my eyes out.
Hm, I thought it was all gone but here I am, tears in my eyes again.
We do miss you, Mickey.

But sure, death is part of life and perhaps with each loss I'm finding it easier to cope with.
(What I'm trying to say is yes, I'm sad, but I'm not falling apart so any family members reading this please don't panic; I'm not on the verge of a breakdown!)

Meanwhile, I have actually started writing something about our trip to Greece. I REALLY WAS THERE! SEE, PHONE CAMERA PROVES IT!

Four times I've started writing, in fact. The last draft is about halfway through. I have yet to do anything about the photographs. It'll come, eventually, and you guys will be the first to see it.
Just, you know, don't hold your breath.

'Cos right now there's just a little bit too much going on and although the writer in me wants to fight it, real life sort of has to take precedence.

And now: Chapter 3 awaits me. "Database Storage and Schema Objects"
Betcha wish you were me now...!

Sunday, April 13, 2008

enlightenment and alien flowers

Because I haven't posted a photograph in a while, here's one I took this morning...
Does anyone else think these look like alien flowers?

I have been reading a book that can best be described as "enlightening"... it has brought into focus all the different things that life and others have been trying to teach me. I get it now. I guess I just needed it put to me in a certain way for the penny to drop. Some people are lucky; they get it without all the emotional fuss and tortuous questioning. They simply get it from what their lives have taught them. Some of us need a little help.
Here's hoping that now I have it, I don't lose it again...

For it's easy to be positive when things are running smoothly. The trick is in not allowing the speed bumps of life to throw us off course. Most of the time, life happens gradually - it's like that whole cooking a frog story [1]. You think everything is fine until one day you realise you're not happy, and that you have been slowly becoming unhappier over time. It doesn't just happen in an instant. Clawing your way back from this can take just as long as it took to get there in the first place.

So what is it that I'm yabbering on about today? Let's just say I hit a speed bump last night, although exactly what it was, I am unable to tell you (not because I don't want to but because I honestly have no idea why I reacted the way I did!)
I am pleased to report, though, that after a few hours of Terri-time today and a little bit of sunshine outside for a change, I am well on my way to regaining that Balance I've been cultivating of late [2].

~

[1] I forget the details but it's something along the lines of you can't boil a frog by tossing it into hot water because it'll just jump out... instead you put him in cold water and slowly turn up the heat. Horrible metaphor, I know!

[2] I have learned that if you say it enough then it becomes true. Cool trick.

Sunday, April 06, 2008

all work and no play...

Life is all about priorities, don't you think? Well, that's not all that it's about, obviously, but it sort of is because it's the thing that sorts out all the other stuff that life is about.
It's also about balance. We all need balance in our lives. Balance between work and play; between making money and spending it; between looking after others and looking after ourselves.

For a very long time I have felt that my life lacked balance. I never seemed to have enough time or energy left over for myself after doing all the stuff that I felt I should be doing. It may be that I have a rather over-developed sense of duty.

Lately, though, something seems to have twigged in my brain. I've always said that I can't do everything - and it's true. But whereas before I saw it as a personal shortcoming, I have now finally learned to accept that this is true not just of me, but of everyone, which means I am no longer trying so hard to do everything.
Talk about an epiphany!
I don't even want to think about how much energy I have wasted on stressing about not getting everything done.

This is not to say I've thrown my hands up in defeat. Not at all. I have been working seriously long, hard hours the last few weeks (months? dunno - not counting).
But to balance that out, I have also done some serious amounts of NOTHING, and it's been so good for me.
It does, unfortunately, have the side-effect of making me a tad boring. When one does nothing, there is very little to tell people.

"So what have you been up to lately, Terri?"
"Er, nothing much. You know, working, eating, sleeping..."

Not a great conversation-maker.

Well boo hoo. After working as hard as I have been, I deserve to take a nap on a Saturday afternoon. And a Sunday afternoon. And on Saturday and Sunday mornings, if I feel that way inclined.
Knowing that I deserve this rest, that it gives balance to my life, makes it a lot easier to enjoy the time spent doing nothing without stressing about what I should be doing instead.

The best part is, it turns out the rest of the family are perfectly capable of housework, and of feeding themselves and each other and, most importantly, me :-)
All it took was for me to tell them, "Hey guys, I'm working my ass off and I'm exhausted - I need a little help here."
And I got it.
Fancy that.

So I'm still working hard, but I'm resting hard too.
And in working hard, I'm earning a fair bit of extra money in Overtime. To balance that out, I booked a week away on a Greek island for Hubby and I next month. I made it, I can spend it. See how simple it is?

All that's left now is to figure out where to prioritise some regular blog-time and I'll be set!
I miss you guys.

Monday, March 03, 2008

some random things

Friday we had "Smart-Casual day" at work. It is no longer referred to as "Casual Day" due to the vast quantities of belly-rings and other attire deemed unsuitable for a corporate financial institution that were in evidence a couple of years back. I don't really mind; it makes no difference to me. I like "Smart-Casual" days 'cos I get to wear jeans to work. I feel comfy in jeans and I believe it actually improves my productivity. They don't occur very often - normally only on Fridays preceding a Bank Holiday Monday weekend. This was an exception.
This "Smart-Casual Day" was to mark something called "Work / Life Balance Day".
The irony was not lost on me that this particular day was being celebrated on the 29th of February... a day that only comes around every 4 years.
And I had to work late.
I found this all terribly amusing; I'm not sure what that says about my sense of humour or my state of mind.

Despite being on-call for work all weekend, it actually wasn't all that bad, as weekends go. Yesterday, in particular, turned out to be a good day. I awoke slowly, in my own time, which is always a bonus, a few minutes before there was a light tapping on the door and when it opened there were my stepchildren bearing coffee and muffins. I was just wondering what on earth Hubby and I had done to deserve such special treatment when they grinned and wished me Happy Mother's Day. Ah, right, so that's what it was. Cool! Breakfast in bed came complete with flowers and a card too. I was really touched (and not just in the head!) and all in all I ended up having a pretty damn good day.

So I'm trying to start again. Every now and then when things get crazy at work and I get all stressed out, then I get tired and start getting ratty at home too. I can be very difficult to live with at such times; I dislike myself so I can only imagine what the people I live with must go through. I get irritated really quickly and all I see is the stuff that isn't done, or isn't done right (i.e. MY way) and I feel like a fishwife, banging pots & pans in the kitchen or flinging odd socks around the place.
Well yesterday I was browsing around a bookstore and I came away with a couple of books to help me readjust my attitude. I am going to think positive about everything; I am not going to allow work to stress me out; I am going to be more pleasant to be around.
But ya know, it's just not that simple. I was doing so well this morning and then BAM! One thing follows the next, follows the next and the next thing you know I'm biting my tongue not to shake someone until their teeth rattle. Is this the Universe's cruel sense of humour?
"Uh-oh, quick, she's starting to relax, let's see just how much it takes to make her crack and return to her bitchy ways!"
Can I please get a break over here???!
I will win out, you know, in the end.
I have to.

Monday, December 17, 2007

The loop-de-loop

You know that feeling when your tummy does a flip-flop, like when you're passenger in a car and you're not paying attention and suddenly the car goes through a dip and it feels like your stomach got left behind? Well I feel like that's been happening to me, only it's not really my stomach but something less physical and more emotional, but in more or less the same place in my body. I'll be quite happily going along, doing my thing, living my day and all of a sudden I'll get one of these moments, where it feels like I'm on a roller-coaster and if I carry on going my emotions are going to dive, dive, dive submarine-style into the murky depths... at times like these my loved ones are my salvation. I will stop typing whatever command I'm busy with at my computer, pick up the phone and ring Hubby just to hear a voice and gather some sense of normalcy. Or I'll write a 2-line nonsensical email to my mom, or a friend, or a sister.
You see the last few months have been tough going, again. If I'm honest, I never really recovered 100% from my last extended period of depression - I had short stints of normalcy but I think it takes a long time to get past it completely and I feel like it's still so fresh in my mind that it doesn't take much to send me back there, and then it's such a hard fight to come back again. I'm back at the moment, for the most part. That is, I have a handle on things and am able to keep the niggling shadows at bay. Today I went to lunch with a large group of people from work and found myself sitting with two women I don't know except to nod hello at in passing, since we work in the same department. And I made it all the way through, making conversation and being a veritable social butterfly. I'm a tad exhausted now, but I feel a sense of accomplishment, although I'm not sure exactly when being sociable became such hard work.
I can't help but wonder will there ever be a time when being normal1 will be the natural order of things again - or will I be fighting like this for the rest of my life..? I don't want to be on the rollercoaster anymore, I just want to live, and enjoy life. These pesky emotions are becoming a real pain in the ass, I tellya.
I suppose it's that time of year. 'Tis the season and all that - there's excitement in the buildup to the holidays but also sadness as we miss absent friends and family.
I mean, I know emotions are what make us human and all, but wouldn't it be nice if we could just take a break from them, occasionally?

~~~
~~
~

1 Yeah, yeah, I know - It's a relative term..!

Sunday, July 01, 2007

I'm Home

I'm home.
I have such a mish-mash of emotions raging inside at the moment that I don't know where to begin.

Friday was a disaster. Well, that's not entirely true - I got everything done at work that I was supposed to and left it all in readiness for my boss's return on Monday. By the end of the day, though, I was a wreck from working late on Thursday, in early Friday till late again and flatout all the way. I had to take an emergency break in the ladies' room at one point to avoid a tearful outburst from pure stress. The upcoming trip probably didn't help things as I like to have time to prepare for a journey; you know me - I have to have lists of things, and lists of lists of things in order to feel prepared. I had nothing; Cinderella and Hubby jumped in and took care of the household and shopping stuff and all I had to do was pack my suitcase.

I thought a good night's rest would see me feeling better on Saturday morning but the stress was still there. I was taught as a piano wire and my sense of humour was nowhere in sight. The check-in queue at Dublin airport was beyond ridiculous and even though we were there well in advance, we only just made the flight with no time even to stop for a spot of duty-free shopping. My family and friends in SA would just have to do without their Butlers Irish Chocolates this time.

I castigated a bloke in the queue who asked us to keep his place while he dashed to the loo because he left his bag behind in our care. In this day and age, with all the airport security, how stupid can some people be??! Cinderella and Hubby stayed well back and I pretended not to notice them laughing at me while the Irish all around looked mortified at my nerve in having a, er, quiet word with the guy when he got back. He's damn lucky I didn't get airport security to remove his bag and have it blown to bits just in case!

Two young lads who were jangling while we were waiting to board got the fright of their life when I barked at them for pushing each other until one of them stepped on my foot. They ran off to their parents then, who gave them a proper tongue lashing.

Is it wrong that I felt better for having growled at strangers? Because I tellya, it did help lower my stress levels.
A bit.

Then we flew to London's Heathrow airport... and the first thing we saw was a newsflash on a TV about the car bomb incident at Glasgow airport. 'Twas a good day to be flying, for sure. The already tight security was even tighter - we went through more security checks than I thought possible by the time we eventually boarded the flight to Johannesburg, which left late as a result. Hunger wasn't helping my mood any and then when I was finally seated in the middle seat in a cramped 'plane I felt I was going for meltdown. And I didn't understand why. And I was too tired to figure it out. So I spoke not a word, ate my dinner, watched a movie and spent the next 10 hours trying - rather unsuccessfully - to sleep.
The dude behind me who appeared to be on a mission to clean out the entire stock of Heineken on the flight did not help; the only person who thought he was amusing at 3am was himself and eventually the flight crew put him in their own quarters to sleep it off.

But after breakfast this morning I was feeling better... right up until it got light outside and we were on final approach to Johannesburg and I looked out the window and I saw the land of my birth, the area I spent my childhood in, in the days when my father was still alive and life was innocent. That was when it all came bubbling over and the pain in my heart would not be stilled and I started sobbing.
All the homesickness and missing my Mom and my family and friends that I have blocked off for so long emerged with a ferocity that took me by surprise, and it took some time for me to regain my composure.

Once it had had its say, my spirits started to lift a bit and the stress eased. I burst out laughing when I heard the first announcement over the PA while we were waiting, in that uniquely delightful flat Jo'burg accent, "Goood mawning laydeees and geentlemen..."
LOL! I was home.
The fact was hammered home by the chaos when we went to check in for the final leg of our journey to Port Elizabeth and the systems were down and the manual check-in process was being handled in the slowest and most disinterested manner possible... and all the passengers could do was make light of the situation and roll their eyes a lot.

The hour-and-a-half flight from Jo'burg to Port Elizabeth was passed in and out of consciousness (partly from only having had about 3 hours sleep in total at most, and partly from having taken a couple of good strong painkillers to deal with the headache brought on by lack of sleep). When I was conscious I struck up a conversation with the two chaps next to me who were both born and bred there, too. In fact one of them went to the same high school as me. Um, it's kind of a small town, hehe..! They were eager to catch me up on what had changed in my absence, and welcomed me home. PE is not called The Friendly City for nothing.

We landed in weather pretty much the same as what we had left behind in Dublin. The smell of salty sea air hit me as it always does when I stepped off the plane, and then there were my Mom and stepson and his mates, and Hubby's sister and her offspring all waiting with big hugs to greet us and it's been like the twilight zone ever since. Things have changed but it's still the same and I feel like I never left.
But I saw the Southern Cross star constellation for the first time tonight in two and a half years.
It's weird the things that you remember. The sounds and smells are the same and the view from my Mom's verandah hasn't changed at all.

I think I may be a bit jetlagged and the emotions are still running a little high, but it's not surprising, I guess.

Because I'm home again.

Monday, June 25, 2007

monday blues

I've been trying to write up a nice post for you guys, telling you all about the fun weekend Hubby and I had in London. It really was great - we stayed with my Li'l Sister and on Saturday the 3 of us went to watch the rugby-match-that-will-not-be-discussed and have a BBQ with my cousin at the pub he's been running for the last few years, followed by his farewell party.
He's moving to Oz, you see. We really had a good time (Thanks Cuz!) and it was well worth the hangover yesterday.

Trouble is it's hard to tell you good things about a great weekend when my mood is as irritable as what it is. Aaargh!!! Being nice - or even civil - to people is incredibly difficult when all I want to do is snap at them for simply breathing. Yep, it's one of those days when I should be sent home as unfit for human interaction.
Thing is, I should be happy... after all, this time next week we'll be on holiday in South Africa. And in truth, I am very excited and can barely contain myself about that. Who knew excitement and irritation could co-exist to such degrees?!

Because I don't wanna figure out why there is a problem with [process A]. I don't wanna have to solve the problem of poor performance on [server X]...

Update...
... and I've just noticed that some clever formatting I put in earlier caused only half my post to be published. I believe the GRRR factor has just grown exponentially!
d'ya think "I need to blog" is a valid excuse for not working any more today???!

Tuesday, February 27, 2007

thar she blows! (pff)

We all have limits - the point past which we can no longer sit back and do nothing. They can apply to anything; the amount of alcohol we can consume before it makes us sick; The amount of time we can spend with that old but increasingly annoying friend before we stop calling; The amount of abuse we can take before walking out of a bad relationship.
Or the amount of crap we can put up with at work before we down tools and walk out.
It's much like a car's engine. The engine has limits. If you continuously rev it into the red then at some point it's going to break down - normallly in a spectacularly smokey fashion, as anyone who has ever watched motorsport will know.
Well, today I feel like a Formula 1 engine that has been pushed too far in one too many races. Although, strangely enough, I don't feel like blowing up in a brief but fiery explosion. Instead, I feel like simply stopping. I have been battling with the same problem for months now: lack of co-operation from people with whom I am supposed to work closely, simply due to the nature of my job and theirs. I have been pretending not to notice being ignored. I have constantly told myself that it surely must be my imagination and there isn't really a clear complete and utter lack of respect shown towards me. I've had a rough couple of years emotionally so it makes sense that I'm simply being over-sensitive.
But you wanna know something? I have failed to convince myself and this morning's events have left me deflated, demotivated and downright gatvol*

The worst part is that as much as I want to leave, there are a lot of reasons not to do so.
I just got a really nice salary increase and have been booked on a training course in April that will be really good for me. Plus, although just short of 2 years may seem a reasonable length of time to be in a particular role, I don't feel that my skills and knowledge are sufficient yet to go out there and get another DBA position. There is still too much I don't know. And I really don't know what other job I would want to do. So I'm kinda stuck. And I don't have the mental energy to figure this one out right now.

So I'll tell you the good news instead:

Our Daff's started flowering while we were away in Spain.**


Cool eh?

~~

* An Afrikaans word that translates almost literally to 'arse-full', but more loosely to having just had enough. As Afrikaans words go, this is one of my favourites.
** Pictures and stories to follow shortly, just as soon as I've caught up on enough sleep to not feel like a zombie, and thus write something slightly entertaining for y'all.

Thursday, December 07, 2006

freaking out just a little

On the one hand my mood -which has been wallowing in a black hole the last few weeks - is beginning to lift a bit. I'm starting to take an interest in things and even - despite my last post - started planning Christmas yesterday. That's right: lists have been started and cards have been sent. I was even clear-headed enough to wash some bedlinen in preparation for my Stepson's arrival on Saturday - which I am now eagerly anticipating, as opposed to feeling sweet bugger-all about anything - without too much muddleness of the head. That may not make a lot of sense to some of you but at times even the smallest task takes a really huge amount of mental effort from me.
So the fact that I've managed to get stuff done at all without feeling befuddled is a good thing, trust me.

But on the other hand it seems that in my not-so-clear-headed mood I have successfully managed to alienate myself from people I would have considered 'friends' at work. Well, maybe 'mates' is a better word than 'friends'. I feel like a total outsider - left out of the loop on virtually everything. Even work-related things, although this last is perhaps the thing that p*ssed me off in the first place and made me withdraw. The words 'overreaction' and 'over-sensitive' come to mind, but I have possibly not been able to deal with things as well as I should have - or at least as well as I once would have.
It makes coming to work every day really hard. I used to be part of 'the gang' but now I'm simply a shadow that hangs around, occasionally doing something useful. Ooh, that sounds terribly self-pitying, doesn't it? I hate self-pity. Everyone hates self-pity. Which is why hiding under the covers in bed all day sounds like a much better option. If I don't have to face all this, then I won't feel so bad about it, then there won't be self-pitying to be done... d'you catch my drift? My sister accused me of becoming a hermit not so long ago, but is that really such a bad thing? I just feel like a piece of driftwood that has been battered ceaselessly agains the rocks in a storm. And when one is hurting already, it doesn't take very much to make it worse. So I guess what I'm saying is, this piece of driftwood needs to be washed up on a beach somewhere to be still and dry for a while.

So what's stopping me from taking some time off? I guess it's because I don't want to admit to failure. When I came off my medication it was on the advice of my doctor, who said she felt that I'd be OK to just stop, as opposed to weaning off them. I had finished my cognitive therapy sessions a couple of months prior to that - the psychologist felt I was doing just fine. So admitting that I'm actually NOT doing OK doesn't sit well with me - it's like saying I couldn't hack it on my own and one thing I've always held dear is my independence; Now that I've put that in words I must admit it sounds like slightly skewed thinking; I mean, if someone I knew said these things to me my advice would be, "It's not that you've failed and it's not an independence thing; you don't have to do this alone." Trouble is I think I've had double standards for a very long time - one set of rules for everyone... except me. Learning to cut myself some slack is one of the hardest things I've ever attempted and I'm still not great at it.
I also don't have a lot of leave days due and the couple I do have I want to save for my trip home to SA next year. Which leaves me only one alternative: go back to the doctor and get her to book me off for a week or even two. Doctors don't like doing that though and I guess I'm afraid she's going to want to put me back on medication and I really don't want to go back on medication because it makes me drowsy... it sort of takes the edge off life which I suppose is sort of the point, but how am I ever going to learn to cope with it if I'm not really facing it?

Oh my, so many questions. Don't panic - most of them are rhetorical; I think I know the answers in my head, if not my heart. Sometimes it just takes a bit of spelling-out like this for me to make any sense of things.

Normal service (HA HA!) will resume shortly.