Dear Diary... or not

To write or not to write... what was the question?

I'm having a little dilemma. My first glimpse of Blogs was when I looked at my cousin's blog and thought, "Ooh, what a great idea! Now I can put pictures and stories of my travels, etc, on the internet so my friends and family back in SA can take a look - much better than clogging up mailboxes all over the planet with unwanted gunk!"

And that's how my Blog started.

Before I knew it, someone, a complete stranger, left a comment on one of my posts. Cool! So I followed the link to their blog. And read the comments. And followed the links on the comments. And the next thing I knew, my Blog had evolved into something completely different from its intended purpose.

So where's the dilemma? I'm getting to that.

Having sent the URL for my Blog to a select few people who know me, my readership is now beyond my control. For some reason I don't give a toss who reads this thing... as long as they are strangers.
But, me being the repressed person that I am, I find myself editing my thoughts because I'm not sure who is reading this... meaning people who actually know me.

Now, from previous posts you may be forgiven for thinking that I am referring to my Mother, however that's not entirely accurate. I mean, I had to get my rather odd sense of humour from somewhere, right? Yep, you guessed it - dear old Mom... and I use the term 'old' in the loosest possible way :-)
I'm quite happy to share my thoughts with her.
So no, Ma, you're not the problem.

In fact, even those few people who have bothered to go to the trouble of commenting, and even setting up their own blogs are not the problem. I feel flattered that you care enough to make the effort.

The problem is I don't know who else is reading my drivel... and who else are they telling?

To date I haven't written anything terribly revealing or soul-baring, but occasionally I get the urge to do so, but I don't necessarily want everyone who knows me at home to start giving me the "I-know-what's-going-on-inside-your-head" look the next time I see them. 'Cos let's face it: there's some scary sh*t going on up there!
You see, in my experience, you just can't trust everyone you know, to not use personal information they know about you, against you.
Cynical? Maybe. More like experience.

Let me tell you a story.
When I was about 8, my grandparents came back from their annual trip to France & Germany after visiting their respective siblings, with a gift for me. It was a purple diary. I like purple - in fact I have TWO purple notepads at the moment. But I digress.
It also has a big bad-ass lock on it. I am now... a good few years older and the diary isn't full yet, because I only ever wrote in it when I had things I needed to get out of my head but couldn't say to anyone else. It contains my most private and honest thoughts from the last twenty-something years. Or it did, until someone I trusted, some years back, got their grubby little paws on it, broke it open and read it.
Way to break a girl's trust, or what?!

Trouble is, that diary has now also lost my trust because I can't really be sure when something like that might happen again. (Well it makes sense inside my head - bear with me here.) So now, when I have something really personal that I need to put down on paper, I write it on any paper I can find and then promptly destroy it. That way I can be sure no-one will ever read my thoughts.

Back to my dilemma. In some convoluted way, this Blog is almost like a diary - but one that talks back. How cool is that?! Except... I don't know who reads it.

Now, you might think, "But Terri, you KNOW who you gave the URL to!" and you'd be right. However, I DON'T know who THEY gave the URL to. Hence the dilemma.

So what is the point of me telling you all this? I don't really know. I'm like that. Sometimes I ramble on in the hope that a point will make itself clear to me.

What I DON'T want to do is come across as saying, "If you know me, bugger off and don't read this anymore."
Because I actually feel absurdly pleased to have made contact with some people I haven't seen in a long time, but who mean a lot to me, because quite frankly I can use all the friends I can get while I'm stuck here on this Godforsaken island on the other side of the world.

Perhaps what I would like to say, in my own clumsy way, is please be judicious in who you tell about it... although having said that, I'm sure you are because chances are, you'll be going through a similar thought process as this (perhaps not quite as long-winded and convoluted, but this is my brain after all) at some stage in the future.

'Cos basically, on days like today, I'm little more than the same fragile teenager I once was, and I've had enough hurt and backstabbing to last a lifetime.

And to end this uplifting post, here's my thought for the day:

"Life is like a box of chocolates..."
Nope, sorry I don't have a thought for the day.

I can't believe I'm reduced to quoting Forrest Gump!