Incoming!

Oh look, it's Halloween again. When did that happen?

I was working late so I didn't get to scare the crap out of the small children that came a-knockin' at the door this evening, but Hubby got to dish out the sweeties. Next year he's going to get a big ol' gorilla suit so he can do more trick and less treat. For the first time since we've been here we were in a place where kids go trick-or-treating. And for the first time, he hadn't gone out and bought sweets specially for that purpose so he was most distressed to have to dig into his secret stash of sweeties to give to the young 'uns.

The Irish love Halloween. It's a great excuse to let off fireworks. Fireworks are illgal so everyone drives up North across the border and buys them there. I got to watch a lovely display while I was standing on the cold, dark station platform this evening waiting for the train. Bang! Crackle, sparkly lights all around. From the moment the sun set (which was real early since the clocks went back on Saturday night again) Dublin sounded like a war zone, and there were some really weird characters out in the streets when I left the office. It was kinda nice and the childlike pleasure I get from watching fireworks made me forget all the bad stuff for a while. I think I will petition to make fireworks a nightly event.

In honour of Halloween - or perhaps more to give people a chance to adjust to the time change - this last weekend was a long one. We took the opportunity to drive down south to Cork to see our friends. It took about 3 1/2 hours to drive the 250km there on Saturday morning, and about 5 hours to make the return journey yesterday.
We encountered this about 100km outside of Dublin...
I still haven't gotten used to these traffic jams that appear in the middle of nowhere on Irish roads.

The rest of the weekend was good, though. Some serious shopping was done on Saturday afternoon. My favourite purchase of the day was a stunning pair of black shoes to replace the pair that lives under my desk at work. Shoes not suitable for commuting, so I wear sneakers/trainers/takkies (depending on where you live in the world) to get to and from work, and then I walk around in pretty shoes during the day.
But enough about my footwear, let's get back to the weekend:

My friend is a really good cook so we ate well...

... and after supper on Sunday evening she and I left the rest of the clan watching movies and we kept a bottle - ok maybe a bottle and a half - of red wine company in the kitchen and did what we do best: long talks late into the night till long after everyone else had gone to bed.
These girly chats of ours are really good for the soul and mine felt much lighter the next day. My head, not so much, but everything has a price, hehe!

Our plan of going for a scenic drive and / or walk on Sunday was completely destroyed by the weather. Sunday was a true Irish day: grey, cold, drizzly and foggy. It's kind of pointless going for a scenic drive when you can't see more than twenty feet in any direction, which was a bit disappointing since I'd hoped to take some nice photos. However, I managed to get one or two during our drive down on Saturday morning and back again yesterday.

We saw some roadside art near Cashel when we stopped for a rest on the way there...

... and some cows on the way back while we were stuck in traffic yesterday:

Yep, cows. Lots of cows. I would show you more photos but, well, they're only cows, people ;)

And now winter is upon us. The short days have arrived all of a sudden and even though the sun was out at times today it was, quite frankly, bloody cold, despite what the Irish might say.
I guess now that Halloween is over - and it must be over because the constant popping and banging outside seems to have stopped - it's time to accept that the cold season has once again begun. I have no doubt that all over the country, hundreds of underpaid and overworked shop assistants are busily replacing the witches and pumpkins in their displays with all things Santa.

Anyone know how many shopping days 'till Christmas? Too few, I'm sure.

restraint

Well I felt a lot better yesterday, not quite so apocalyptic. Which is not to say I wasn't a tad moody, mind you. It seemed to turn into a different type of mood though. One of those if-you-look-at-me-skew-I'll-rip-your-head-off moods. I have to say, though, that I amaze myself with the amount of self-control I am able to summon.
Or perhaps shock handicaps one's reaction times...

I was working away at my desk, trying to do something involving one of our critical systems at work, and my boss was next to me was doing some of the stuff on his PC, because it was reasonably complicated and timing was everything. I was poised to strike the 'Enter' key on my keyboard at the right moment, and while waiting for the moment to arrive, I was scooted over to his desk to watch what he was doing... when this arrogant b*tch walked over and plonked her arse ON my desk, her right cheek missing the 'Enter' key on my keyboard by millimeters, and demanded - yes, demanded - that we reset her password for a reporting application immediately.
My jaw dropped and I unceremoniously shunted my keyboard away from her Gucci-clad butt muttering something about please don't sit on my keyboard.
Instead of swatting her, though, I leaned back in my chair, folding my arms, and said, "...and you are..?".
The words were polite but I can assure you the tone wasn't and I suspect my red face (because by now my face was red on account of all the blood rushing to it in annoyance) was saying something more along the lines of, "Who the f*&! do you think you are, you irritating cow?"
She turned out to be one of the sales managers.
Well what could I do? My boss was sitting next to me, and his boss was 2 desks away. I couldn't very well smack the head off her now, could I? But oh, how I wanted to!
She could not have been ruder or more in-your-face if she'd tried, trying to pull rank because she presumes she is in a position of authority.
I think we all know by now how well I respond to bullying.
What I wanted to tell her was this:
"Lady, I don't care who you are. Get you arse off my desk before you break something, and I'm not talking about the keyboard, I'm talking about the company's Financial Reporting system. You are not singularly more important than what I am working on at the moment and we will deal with your query the same way we deal with all queries: in order of priority. And you can be damn sure that in the future the priority of your calls is going to be way down on the list. Now be a good girl and f*&! off and let me get on with my work."
Either that, or belt her.

But I did neither.
Instead I reset her password and sent her on her way, then turned to my boss and said, "That was a little rude, don't you think?"
He, of course, was trying to distance himself from the situation. He knows me well by now and I'm sure my face was like a thundercloud.
"It was, rather," was his reply as he furiously continued typing away at his keyboard, without looking at me.

And so I didn't explode. And I didn't harm anyone. And I didn't forever tarnish my impeccable work record by doing something silly that might get me fired.
See?
Self-control.
I am proud.

this is my fruit bowl

Yes, it's a little empty but look how it glows in the dark. I liked the way it looked when I walked into the darkened room the other night, all lit up by the light filtering in through the blinds at the window.
That's all. You can go now :)

feel free not to read any further

Seriously, feel free to stop reading now. This is not the most uplifting post I've ever written.
I won't hold it against you, promise. Just enjoy the photo and move along quietly.

I just have to get this stuff out of my head and since I don't seem able to express it out loud, this place will have to be my outlet.

I don't know how to do this. I don't remember how it feels to be a happy person.
I started on anti-depressants about a year and a half ago and stopped taking them about 3 or 4 weeks ago. I went for cognitive therapy with a psychologist. And now here I am... I don't know how to be happy. Every day is a battle. I struggle through the day at work, feeling like a deer caught in headlights every time someone talks to me and expects a response. I have a husband and a 16-year-old stepdaughter to take care of at home and all I want to do is hide in my room.
I can't believe I am talking about myself here. This doesn't happen to me! It happens to other people. I feel unable to interact with anyone or anything in my life. I feel isolated and alone. How can I share this with the people I care about? They're entitled to be happy; they don't need the burden of some miserable cow who seems to spend her time snapping at them for the slightest thing. The only thing that is keeping me going is the thought that maybe this is still side-effects from coming off the tablets. But I don't want to have to take pills just to be able to get through the days!
I can't write, either. And that used to be my salve.
Well perhaps it would be more accurate to say I have no inclination to write. Bloody hell, I have barely enough inclination to wake up in the mornings.
Sorry folks, I warned you. I'm not looking for sympathy; I'm not even looking for a response. I just needed to get some thoughts out of my head. Maybe that will make me feel better.
Because I really need to feel better.

wanna see some pictures?

I uploaded some more photos from our trip round Europe. You can take a look at them here if you like.

Haven't made much headway on the accompanying story I'm afraid. I'm sure it'll fall out of my head and onto paper (figure of speech - I mean onto the laptop, of course) when it's good and ready. Hopefully that'll be some time this century, but I wouldn't hold my breath if I were you.

Besides, a picture is worth a thousand words, isn't it?
It's just as well 'cos I'm fresh out of words at the moment.

So what do we do when we run out of things to Blog about? We go to Blogthings of course.

And in keeping with the fact that I saw my first Christmas display of the year in the supermarket last weekend....

You Are a Christmas Sweater!

Over the top, colorful, and totally flashy. You're not afraid to be a little tacky.

What Crappy Christmas Gift Are You?

Sad, but true.

freaky friday

I would like to cancel today. It's Friday 13th - do I need any other reasons? Didn't think so.
However, my illustrious employers would more than likely not be terribly understanding were I to simply leave, because believe it or not, I don't really have the authority to cancel a day. Not even Friday 13th.
But on the bright side, at least it's Friday, and the weekend is just ahead. Not that I have anything terribly exciting planned, but at least I won't have to drag myself out of bed to sit at my desk all day. At least not for another 2 days. Ain't life sweet?
It's been a rough week. All that's left of my 'discontinuation effects' is a tendency to want to cry with very little provacation. It's really difficult to maintain professionalism at work - especially during a busy and stressful week - when I keep wanting to burst into tears. I've managed to avoid tears by not doing a lot of talking. I'm sure all the girls will agree with me on this: when a woman is feeling emotional and on the verge of tears, the thing that will push her over the edge is the simple act of speaking. So yes, I've been very quiet this week and probably noticeably withdrawn. And now I need a rest - a break from holding in my emotions and smiling at people to make them feel more comfortable when all I want to do is throw a hissy fit. 'Cos seemingly unprovoked hissy fits also don't really fit into the whole professionalism thing very well.
But never mind, I think I'm on the home stretch and soon I'll be back to my vibrant, bubbly, pleasant self.
Um, ja.
In other news... nope, that's about it. I'm sure there was something else I wanted to say but whatever other thought flitted through my head when I started typing this has long since joined all those socks that seem to go missing in the wash.

One Moon

One night, not long after we moved to Ireland, I was speaking to my Mom in South Africa and I remember saying how beautiful the moon was, and I wish she could've seen it. She laughed.
"We have the same moon here, remember?"

Thanks for reminding me, Ma. Now when I look up at the moon I know you can see it too and you don't seem so far away.

It's my Mom's birthday today and I'm missing her like mad.

Happy Birthday Ma!!!

xxx

Friday

Actually it's not Friday, it's still Thursday night here but why get hung up on details.

We've had some rain here this week and look what sprang up outside our front door:

I managed to get this snap in before Hubby destroys them. In Hubbyland mushrooms = weeds, or something. I think it's a case of "If I didn't plant them, they shouldn't be there."
Me, I don't really care. I think mushrooms are pretty.

The discontinuation effects (thanks Jason) from my medication are still in evidence and I've had a crap week at work. It could be a chicken / egg situation, I'm not sure. The good news is I haven't actually fallen over, even though I've felt wobbly enough to have done so... which is actually a better track record than some weeks when I haven't been wobbly.
Go figure.

I wonder if heroin addicts get this?

Here's the thing. I've been on certain medication for just over a year. Last week my doctor and I decided the time had come to stop taking said medication. She warned me there may be certain side-effects for the next couple of weeks.
So I asked for Thursday and Friday off work, just in case. I couldn't really explain to my boss the real reason which was that I couldn't really be sure how I was going to be for those two days, i.e. "Well, Boss, there's a distinct possiblity I may become psychotic but I can't really be sure." So I just gave him the form and didn't elaborate.
He gave me Friday off but I had to be in work on Thursday. It was a very long day indeed. The good side-effect is that for the first time in many, many months I didn't feel completely drowsy all day, although let's face it there is something to be said for going through life half-asleep. On the other side of the coin, I developed a screeching headache accompanied by nausea and what can only be described as a lot of noise in my head. But I made it through the day and spent Friday and the weekend happily doing as little as possible.
On Friday I began to get these odd little episodes where it felt like the world was tilting, interspersed with the sensation of being wrapped in a jellyfish that would squeeze different body parts at different times. It felt extremely odd so on Friday evening I got Hubby to help me get rid of a bottle of wine or two. I figured if I was half plastered I'd be dizzy and semi-numb anyway and in fact, I was right, although I'm not sure the hangover on Saturday was altogether worth it.
By yesterday the giddiness seemed to be abating although my mood started to take a serious nose-dive.
Today, being Monday, I'm back at work. Perhaps I should have asked for more time off.
The giddiness has turned into round-the-clock dizziness and I'm quite surprised I haven't actually toppled over yet.
But it's the mood that is causing me the most problems. Yes, I'm feeling down, but even more than that my fuse has disintegrated completely and there have been a few times today where I could actually visualise myself throttling / punching / dismembering certain people. Not great for harmony in the workplace.
Let's hope the next couple of weeks pass uneventfully and without me falling apart completely.
But just so you know, my favourite cake is carrot cake.